tongue?

Two things.

One.

This scene doesn't make sense, and is completely retarded and awkward. Vampire saliva is venom!!! That's why Edward and Bella can't ever use tongue when they kiss! Catherine Hardwicke, can't you read??? Did you actually read Twilight??

Two.
So, we've established Edward and Bella DO NOT USE TONGUE because they cannot swap spit. In light of this fact, I don't think their intensity of physical attraction/chemistry is justified; it's not realistic for two people to get super horny or super into each other if they aren't allowed to use tongue when they kiss. It doesn't qualify as a legit make-out sesh if there's no tongue. It's just too half-assed.

Thoughts?

food network

*spoiler warning*

In Breaking Dawn, the Cullens (or Edward; it's slightly ambiguous) cook food for the wolves. On their honeymoon, Edward makes apparently delicious omelettes for Bella. In a bonus chapter on S.Meyer's website, Edward cooks dinner for Bella before the prom and apparently it's fabulous; Charlie even tells Bella to have Edward cook more often for them. (Charlie, not prizing Bella's cooking above all else?! Sacrilege!)

I think it would have been more interesting for the plot if cooking were the one thing Edward could not do well. I mean, he can't really taste food at all, he didn't even know it was pizza sliding down his throat when he ate school lunch to make a point to Bella.

Fact: ALL REAL COOKS taste the food they make, and rely on their palate as a judge during the cooking process.
Fact: Vampires as old as Edward/the Cullens have forgotten what is appetizing and what food tastes like. How would they know what they're serving even tastes good?
Fact: Cooks are good cooks when they can improvise and substitute to improve upon a dish, and are good judges of what to do and what not to do in the kitchen.

Sure, the Cullens can watch Food Network. But they won't be able to make superlative dishes from just emulating the person on TV. They wouldn't be able to distinguish flavors and make the substitutions or innovations or improvisations that distinguish a good cook from a mediocre/amateur cook.

You could assail this logic by waving your hand and saying, "But vampires have perfect detailed memories so they will remember every fact ever about cooking and every trick cooks employ."

Still, I think there would have been funny dialogue possibilities if Edward tried to cook and it turned out to be kind of off; then Bella could step in and assert some superiority for fucking once!

beautiful dirty rich

"Beautiful, dirty dirty rich rich dirty dirty" -Lady GaGa

*spoiler warning*
In some ways I think Stephenie Meyer has been irresponsible in creating this teenager-and-vampire world. I have alluded to some of these aspects in previous posts; such as the focus/obsession with outward appearance and idolization of beauty, and the Cullens living a fabulous, richly bankrolled lifestyle where they never want for anything material. Of course, the saga's "conscience" (if you can call it that) through the voice of Bella has tried to "deal with" or sublimate from these apparent problems through a conversation in New Moon:

“Is that what it comes down to?” His voice was abruptly sharper. “Good looks?”
“Don’t be stupid, Jacob.”
“Is it the money, then?” he persisted.
“That’s nice,” I muttered, getting up from the tree. “I’m flattered that you think so much of me.” I turned my back on him and paced away.
“Aw, don’t get mad.” He was right behind me; he caught my wrist and spun me around. “I’m serious! I’m trying to understand here, and I’m coming up blank.”
His eyebrows pushed together angrily, and his eyes were black in their deep shadow.
“I love him. Not because he’s beautiful or because he’s rich!” I spat the word at Jacob. “I’d much rather he weren’t either one. It would even out the gap between us just a little bit — because he’d still be the most loving and unselfish and brilliant and decent person I’ve ever met. Of course I love him. How hard is that to understand?”

I think this is a very superficial way of reconciling the concerns. Here is why. To quote Shakespeare, two loves I have of comfort and despair.

Comfort: It's true that all the important characters are beautiful and rich and have perfect bodies; and most of the villains are at least very good-looking or rich or talented. So it would seem that those aspects are most prized. But in fact, Bella is most attracted to Edward because of his essential character, and to the other Cullens because of their kindness and virtuous nature, not their money. She is just impressed by their money and talents, and she gets over it eventually when she becomes part of their family. Plus, she feels embarrassed about Edward's extravagant gifts! So you see, the moral of the story is that virtuosity is primary, and the fast cars, plasma TV's, huge diamonds, etc. are just icing on the cake.

Despair: To hell with Bella being most attracted to Edward because of his "character"; the bulk of her narration is taken up by trite descriptions of his beauty!
One of her first thoughts after being turned is how beautiful she is now and how she looks like she can stand next to Edward without looking like she doesn't belong.
She constantly has low self-esteem from feeling inferior standing next to the Cullens, showing that her primary concern is outward appearance.
At the beginning of New Moon, when she puts the pictures of her and Edward into the scrapbook, she beats herself up mentally for how plain she looks; S.Meyer really beat this horse to death, augh!
Her first thought when she sees Edward in Voltera for the first time is "OMG he is so much more beautiful in real life than I remembered, I'm so fugs!!!"; not "OMG I have to run fast and be a strong heroine to save him and not let him go into the sunlight and be all sparkly!"
In Eclipse, when Edward shows her the motorcycle that he got, Bella's first thought is, "Oh no his motorcycle is much better-looking than mine, and this is like an analogy for what we must look like"; not "Oh, I'm annoyed that he had to go and buy something that I shared with my non-vampire friend, which was distinctly mine."
Of course Edward is perfect and realizes this on his own... but still. On top of this: yes, you can say that her realization/verbalization that he's "even more amazing behind the face" shows that the saga is above superficiality; YET, at the same time, part of what makes him a perfect boyfriend is his ability to give her all the material trappings a girl would ever want; part of what makes Alice the perfect gal pal is her highly developed fashion sense and unfallible purchasing of all kinds of stuff for Bella. Much of Edward and Alice's charm comes from their gorgeous faces and bodies, and their graceful physical movement. Part of their characterization depends on their financial largess, and both of them DO act elitist about their possessions and say elitist things. Cars aren't good enough for them to drive unless they are luxury European imports that most people have never even seen; clothes aren't good enough for them to wear unless they are expensive brand names/rare/custom-made. These aspects don't come out so much in the movie, because K-Stew plays Bella as a much feistier character than Bella is in the books. But if you are not initiated (and if you are reading this, you must be initiated); the fact is, Bella is constantly struck dumb by how graceful/rich/beautiful the Cullens are and rhapsodizing about it.
I mean, I enjoyed it as an escapist jaunt for my imagination, but it gets kind of tiring that EVERYTHING is beautiful and EVERYTHING is designer or expensive or made to order. The fact that the setting and protagonists are characterized this way, without much diversity, shows that Meyer's character-building is not very mature or multi-dimensional. One of my friends said that "it's almost like she's too good at fantasy."
My take is: Yes, responsible readers should realize it's just fantasy, and we're not all going to be 5'6" and 115 lbs with vibrant hair and gorgeous boyfriends with in-laws we LOOOOOVE. But would responsible or existentially/metaphysically aware authors realize there's more possibility to a story than letting all the protagonists have everything? Want or indigence is not as pleasant, perhaps; and having unlimited funds makes for fun possibilities, but want builds character and interest.

aunt flo

I first came across the question of Bella's menstruation (or "ministration" as Pecola says in Toni Morrison's The Bluest Eye, which for some reason has always stuck with me...) on the blog Letters to Twilight. [link]

They say:

What we don’t get is what happens when Bella gets her period? Does Edward just go away for 3-7 days? If so, where does he go? Or isn’t that blood appealing to him because it comes out of Bella’s “hoo-hoo” and that’s so sicknast? (holla Lauren’s Bite for that word) Or is it that much MORE appealing to him because it comes out of Bella’s “hoo hoo” and he wants to “tap that?”

Wow, I thought to myself when I read that post. I should have thought of that earlier! Then a friend sent me this link, which apparently has Stephenie Meyer's explanation/rebuttal:

"What happens when Bella gets her period?

This has been addressed by Stephenie Meyer. She states that this is "dead blood" and isn't as potent to Edward, though it is a bit uncomfortable for him. He's too much of a gentleman to say anything about it, and she's too embarrassed to ask about it."

Why this response is problematic, and kind of a cop-out:

a) The notion of "dead blood" is kind of tenuous...and laughable (because it's funny, and because it's tenuous). OK, I can see how would-be amniotic CLUMPS are not very appetizing...and in fact, pretty damn stank. But sometimes period blood is very bright red and thin (at least, sometimes mine is) which means it can't have been dead for very long, right? Also, it seems from this saga's vampire canon that vampires care about whether blood is fresh, or warm; warm being a proxy for fresh or flowing from a still-alive body. Thus, it's plausible that in some circumstances period blood would be problematic for Edward to be around.

b) wouldn't Bella have thought of the potential problems as she's expecting her period, and tell warn Edward about it? I mean, she was bold enough to ask Edward if he was a virgin, and they talk about sex plenty.

c) I do believe Edward is too much of a gentleman to talk about menstruation with Bella. But Bella is not so tactful that she wouldn't bring it up with Edward. Easily embarrassed, sure, but I think period talk is common in really serious relationships. It definitely came up in my teenage relationship.

More food for thought, which may be TMI: would the overwhelmingly attractive scent of Bella's blood overcome the patently bad-smelling nature of menstrual blood and its effect on the smell of the nether regions ("femininity" in softcore romance terms)?

OK enough grossness.

hands down

Today I had my iPod on shuffle while I was doing some chores, and this song came on.I think it encapsulates the best of Edward and Bella. :)

OK that's it for my cheesy tween tendencies today. :D

UPDATE 4/6/09:
OK I just feel like I have to explain more why this song is perfect for the "best of Twilight saga" regarding Edward & Bella's looooooove for each other. So I will mark up the lyrics for your elucidation.

Breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep, (Edward is always talking about how it burns to breathe near Bella in Midnight Sun!)
this air is blessed you share with me.
This night is wild, so calm and dull,
these hearts they race, from self control. (Self-control = overarching theme of Twilight saga!)
Your legs are smooth as they graze mine,
we're doing fine, we're doing nothing at all. (They often don't do anything but stare at each other when they're together!)

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me. (Can you say vampire kiss of death?!)
So won't you kill me, so I die happy. (They are so in love with each other they would die for each other...awww)
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury,
or wear as jewelery,
whichever you prefer. (Very Twilight-y sentiment)

The words are hushed, let's not get busted;
just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here from all the stupid questions,
"Hey did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb. (Reminiscent of Jessica's questions in math class the day after Port Angeles shopping trip!)
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear...
so we can get some. (Very Twilight-y in a tongue-in-cheek way)

Chorus

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers (SO EDWARD!!!!)
and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
and this walk that we shared together.
The streets were wet
and the gate was locked so I jumped it, (SO EDWARD!!!!)
and I let you in.
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it,
that you meant it,
that you meant it,
and I knew,
that you meant it,
that you meant it.
AWWW SO CUTE! I know this song is old/kinda played out but it really fits perfectly with Twilight ;)

tween fight

This is what happens when tweens get into an argument over a fictional love object.

http://thenewprecious.blogspot.com/2008/05/edward-cullen.html

why Twilight, and why Edward

I came across this post on a movie reviews/news blog, and this particular blogger voiced something that I had been feeling, but haven't fully expressed verbally yet. So, since I found her words pretty much on point, I will just let them speak for themselves. (With a little spell-check from me though. ^_^)

http://www.chud.com/articles/blogs/1398/twilight.html

"I'm not kidding when I say it is a cult. The books are like crack. It's taken me a ridiculously short amount of time to finish all four books, over 2,000 pages altogether. I can't put the fucking things down. I haven't been this excited about a book in a long time, which is saying a lot because I am a constant reader. I fell for Edward HARD.

And I can't really explain what it is about the books, exactly. I don't know if it's because I am a woman and the books touch something deep inside that screams that I am not good enough, not special enough (as the main character, Bella, believes about herself). I'd like to think myself intelligent enough to be able to see into any sort of romantic true love brain washing the books may use.

But I'm not smart enough. I am a hopeless romantic, always have been. Convinced I would love passionately and die for love, if necessary. I know this blog will make all of the CHUD readers puke, and I apologize for that. But if you can get past the love story, there's a great action story there too. And I think men could learn a lot by reading these books. Edward is exactly what women want.

Exactly.

And it's not about being a vampire, or beautiful, or rich. It's about making the woman feel like she is the most glorious thing in the world, and that you would give up immortality for her.

I'm trying to help you guys get a piece of tail, alright?

But be careful and take this cult very very seriously."

Amen, sistah.

hot topic! (not): DVD release party details

So, the Hot Topic jaunt was a bit of an adventure but not exactly in the way I had planned.
First off, I had to get there. This may seem like a trivial detail to you, but I have very strict parents who pretty much never let me do anything and still treat me like a 12-year-old child instead of somebody who has graduated from college and has had a driver's license for several years.
Telling the truth is (most of the time) out of the question. In fact, it's often easier to not say anything. So I originally planned to just sneak out by the time Mom fell asleep, and jet off to the mall. Blasting the Twilight soundtrack all the way there, of course. I even downloaded some songs from the score just for the occasion!
But of course Mom took forever to go to bed, insisting on cutting her nails, trimming her bangs, fussing with her foot file, all manner of shit that she NEVER usually does before bed and of course she had to pick this night to do all of them! All the while the clock was ticking and the Hot Topic salesperson had told me over the phone to get to the mall by 9PM or the mall would close and I wouldn't be able to get in. It was already 8:45 by the time Mom clambered into bed and it's usually a 25 minute drive to the mall...so I was at my wit's end. I dressed quickly but she called out to me to ask me a question, and she has a nasty habit of yelling at me from her bed every so often before she falls asleep, so I didn't think she would be fully asleep by the time I escaped. I settled for a white lie.

"Hey Mom, I'm going to Blockbuster to rent a DVD."
"Whaaaa? It's 8:50!"
"So...?"
"No, you stay at home!"
"Mom, you let Kevin (my older brother) rent movies all the time."
"No, we have to clean house tomorrow!"
"So...?"
"You're a girl, it's so late at night!"
"So...?"

That went on for quite a bit longer and finally I just TOLD her, "I'm GOING!!!!" and left. Then in my rush to pull out of the driveway, I stepped on the gas pedal instead of the brake, and that was kind of a...yeah I hope Mom didn't hear that through her bedroom window.

I drove like a Cullen to the mall, and got there at 9:20. Seriously, I drove faster than I've ever driven before, and I am usually a pretty slow driver, so it was a big deal. I think I averaged 80 mph. Then, panicked, I finally ran into the mall and it turned out that the Hot Topic lady had lied. It is quite possible to enter the mall even after 9pm, or 10pm, or 11pm...whenever, as long as the Hot Topic was still open. You just had to find the right mall entrance.

It was OK with me though. I rolled up my striped knee socks, donned my improvised Cullen baseball cap (a blue and white baseball cap that originally said Tufts School of Engineering on it, which I covered with masking tape and drew a "C" on with Sharpie), and got ready to bond with fellow Twilighters.

I spotted them immediately, a pair of vacant-eyed, hoodie-wearing girls sitting on a bench outside the store. As far as I could see, the two girls were the only fans there other than me. The Hot Topic staff had lowered the metal grill thingy over the store entrance and said they would open at 10pm.

I introduced myself and tried to start a conversation about Twilight--the fidelity of the movie adaptation, the appropriateness of the casting, the cinematography...anything, really. Maybe even bring up my blog and suggest that they take a look, since I'm always trying to expand readership. To my dismay, the girls weren't very responsive, and one of them even mistakenly referred to Rpatz as "whats-his-name...Edward Pattinson."

I turned away for a moment as I choked in horror.

Those two should start a blog called Dumb People Who Like Twilight.

A trio of three tween girls showed up, and I decided to try my luck with them. One of them had worn a Team Edward hoodie and styled her hair to look like Alice, so I complimented her haircut and tried to make small talk.
They were enthusiastic enough when I asked to take a picture of them. The Alice-haired girl even wore golden brown contacts...she was really into it! And one of them wore a "Cullen crest" pendant. But I soon found that not only were they not able to keep up intelligent conversation, but their fandom was also very superficial and merchandise-based. Seriously...none of them wanted to engage with the themes or plot/logic discontinuities or ANYTHING!

Those three should start a blog called Vapid Tweens Who Like Twilight, Funded by Irresponsibly Lax Suburban Parents.

I quickly realized that my hopes of bonding with fans of like intellect/maturity were a lost cause, and settled for putting in my headphones and listening to the soundtrack some more.

As 10pm approached, a few more straggled in--a frumpy mom and her shockingly similarly frumpy daughter. The kind of girl who you can tell doesn't get out much, probably has never kissed, and sits alone in her high school cafeteria. But maybe I shouldn't have been surprised. Most people who are so into Twilight, that they would have nothing better to do on a Friday night than come to a suburban mall's DVD release event, would be the escapist fantasy-book-reading type. I know this sounds coarse but let's get real here. Many of those "types" are not the type who maintain their personal appearance very well, or dress well, or are outgoing, or charismatic, or bodily fit. (Or maybe it was just my luck at this particular Hot Topic. Maybe I should've gone to Borders. But I bet this scene was repeated in thousands of other Hot Topics across America: the Twilight PR machine builds up expectations and encourages fans to unite, in numbers and pocketbooks, to anticipate the DVD release and all bond over buying it together. But really, it's not a glamorous event, or even that fun; it's just random weirdos milling about in the same store, not really making eye contact; and a convenient way for Hot Topic to ring up more merchandise.)

It's kind of sad, and a huge let-down emotionally for me, that I was the only true fan there. Meaning, I was the only one with a creative bone in my body (I made that fucking hat!!) and the only one who IS a fan but can still intellectually distance herself from the franchise (granted, it doesn't take many brain cells to do that).

Finally the Hot Topic workers lifted the grate and let us in. All 15 of us. The lady in combat boots, fishnets, and electric blue eyeshadow stopped me and asked to see my "Hot Topic Party Invitation." I said I didn't have one but I had spoken to a staff member on the phone this afternoon who'd said as long as I came by 9pm I would get in. She narrowed her eyes at me, looked at the rest of the line, looked at me again, and decided it wasn't worth it, grudgingly letting me past the grate.

Hot Topic: 0
Me: 1

Once inside the store, though, there was nothing to do except look at Hot Topic stuff (fishnets, studded belts, slutty shit), fill out a raffle form, and stand around. 2 more hours of this shiz?! I've already taken my picture with the life-sized cardboard Edward, what if my head explodes of boredom before midnight? What if Mom wakes up and checks my bed, checks the driveway, flips out, and calls me? Would she believe that I spent 3 hours at Blockbuster?

Finally a reprieve: trivia every half-hour (prize = $5 HT gift card), which I was sure I could lock up like whoa, and they were selling the Twilight Director's Notebook by Catherine Hardwicke. So, I could at least pass the time by reading something (without buying it, of course).

I won one of the trivia rounds, yay! The winning question I answered was, "What momento of Bella's does Edward hold on to?"

Answer: the lemonade bottle cap from lunch

And one that I was SURE, almost 100% positive I had right, but they said I got wrong: "What was the name of the restaurant Edward took Bella to?"

I said La Bella Italia, but the girl said I was wrong...Imma look into it. But I had already won a prize, so I thought I should let the other tweens have at it.

I took some pictures of the particularly funny fan merchandise. By funny I mean stupid, most of the time. For example, they have tons of Twilight t-shirts with pics of Edward or Bella and a movie quote, but they pick the most random or meaningless quotes possible...I can see the appeal of the "I <3 Boys who Sparkle" t-shirt, but why would you ever wear a t-shirt that says "I'm Not Scared Of You"?

They make Edward pillowcases. Looks like a low thread count though...






Finally it was almost midnight and we dutifully let ourselves be herded and lined up for the DVD purchase. I knew better than to bother to talk to the others in line, so in went my headphones and up went the volume. I noticed ahead of me in line that the three vapid tweens had put their allowance to work and were wearing some new Hot Topic pants: low-slung purple cheetah print skinny jeans with zippers. Of course they had no butts but plenty of muffin top, so you can imagine what kind of eyesore that was.

Last night was the first time it occurred to me in an actual real/visceral way that perhaps I shouldn't "care" so much about Twilight--and that I am actually feeling a little over it. That was kind of depressing. I shouldn't go alone to these things.

I went up to the counter and forked over my credit card. The "Hot Topic Exclusive!" DVD came with a poster, so that was cool I guess. And inside our DVD boxes apparently was a "special collectible item"--a small film cell, a piece of film from a roll of film reproduced from the movie. When I opened it later I saw that I got one from the scene of Edward and Bella separating in the Cullen garage. Maybe I can eBay this shiz?

I got my over-priced DVD and drove home, but not before getting lost twice. When I pulled up to the driveway I cut the headlights to not disturb Mom and I hoped I wouldn't smash into anything and she wouldn't wake up. I didn't. She didn't.

Mission accomplished!

hot!

Is it wrong that I love this and find it hot?

the only bad picture Rpatz has ever taken

He seriously looks messed up in this one.

*Also, who thought of this tagline?! "Nothing will be the same." = WEAK!

funny fan-art, take 1

F my life

From the anonymously cathartic website www.fmylife.com:

Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML

I agree, your life is f***ed: 88,535 votes
You deserved that one: 9,624 votes